Lame Jokes

TEACHER : Why are you late?
WEBSTER : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign
WEBSTER : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER : Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY : You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER : John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
JOHN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
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TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
SARAH : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER : George, go to the map and find North America .
GEORGE : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : George!
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TEACHER : Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE : Me!
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TEACHER : Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER : Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN : I is...
TEACHER : No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
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TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY : "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
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TEACHER : Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER : Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL : A teacher.

Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
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Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the
night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am ?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
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Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
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A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
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Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire to?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
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Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?
Answer: Because people started licking the wrong side.
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A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face
or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of
humour.